Clouds, glass, butt, and pieces of people

 

Life

 

NEW! Abras -O- Dent

New Epidemic Sweeps Country (R-tickle by flockofcynthiabirds, illustrated by atrocityoferichbirds))

It started out subtly: A decrease in maternal attendance at middle school soccer games.  A few mysteriously empty shelves in supermarket cleaning aisles.

Then, things started really getting out of hand: Formerly well-groomed women began appearing in public with accessories that clashed with their outfits.  They were less and less available to serve heavily processed snack foods laden with preservatives to their children after school, instead seen by their children furtively ducking into bathrooms and linen closets.

And the most telling sign of all: Car detailing services report that they have seen a 300% increase in the last year in client requests to remove chemical spills from minivan upholstery.

The American public can no longer afford to ignore the burgeoning epidemic of Febreeze huffing (known as "fuffing" to law enforcement officers).

Fuffers come from all walks of life, but are predominantly middle class, middle aged women whose rage, formerly safely channeled into vigorous house cleaning, is now threatening to froth over and drown their families and communities in a pleasant-smelling chemical flood.  What were formerly termed "soccer moms" are increasingly being referred to as "motherfuffers".

Signs of fuffing include:
* Suspicious pastel staining around the mouth and nose
* Increased attendance at "special" Tupperware parties
* Overly-vigorous cleaning that damages furniture and upholstery.
* Adding the prefix "fe" to words that begin with "b"
* Rage that seems inappropriate to the situation

Watch for the warning signs in your significant other, friends, relatives, coworkers, and female pets.

Law enforcement officers advise that you should not directly confront a person you suspect of fuffing, as they may be dangerous.  Instead, report the suspected fuffer to your nearest donut shop or other law enforcement agency.

It's your life, from beginning to end.

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Febreeze Huffing Epidemic Blasts Burbs

Middle to upper middle Haus Fraus are turning up by the donut dozens in addiction clinics across the country. Thrown their by their husbands for growing dependence on wildly popular Febreeze products. Rocketed by clever marketing schemes which included subtle hints on the desirability of direct inhalation of the fumes, users proportionately populated the American petri dish faster than one can say, "Yeast Infection," by spraying the scent into baggies and huffing the fumes, turning on their friends and neighbors, and even throwing "Special" Tupperware parties where Febreeze took the main stage. Fortunately for men, with the exception being Queenie types--though mostly isolated from the suburbs and therefore still less exposed than women--the feminine olfactory is especially attracted to the scent, while the masculine nose tends to prefer butt crack and wet dog, ensuring a nearly zero chance of succumbing to the allure of the odor. It is possible that some research might suggest that these women have been conditioned by artificial odors such as bleach, comet, scented douches, and other common household cleaners and deodorizers, to prefer products like Febreeze, as these smells are associated with cleanliness.